פֿאַרמישט

I had a slight breakdown prior to Rosh Hashanah this year. I found that i really dont know shit about my religion, and this was quite frustrating. During this period i considered two things: cast off religion (to save myself from hypocrisy) and continue on a strict Yiddishist program, or associated myself with an orthodox sect and figure shit out. Then i did a lot of thinking, and reading. I read Torah, and found that there wasnt much at all about Rosh HaShanah in there. This made me frustrated when I realized that much of what I consider "Jewish" (religion) revolves around a group of rabbis that claim that there was an Oral Law handed down along side the Torah at Mount Sinai (Although some Jewish groups reject this notion, but they arent Ashkenazi). Many Jewish practices rely heavily on the existence of the Oral Law (which was subsequently written down and put in books like the Talmud). Fortunately or unfortunately for Jews, the Oral Law is subject to much interpretation (bring in the rabbis). This revelation of sorts brought to me a much more open view of the "lesser" schools of Judaism (Reform in particular). So much of being a religious Jew is left up to interpretation that its almost impossible to point to the law and say "this is final".

I had an interesting conversation with my rabbi-in-training from back home during this ordeal of mine. He related to me a story about his family. He told me thus: his mother's side of the family was Talmudists, his father's side Yiddishists. He said how his father's side all married out of the faith (thus the nation by extension), and left behind even their Yiddishism. By contrast his mother's side remained Jewish. He basically told me, that even if i dont like it, Yiddishism was not a strong enough phenomenon to hold a people together, whereas the faith functioned as a backbone to the Jewish identity (religious or otherwise).

This put me at quite a loss. He appeared to be right; when chilling in a Jewish neighborhood today one doesnt hear Yiddish spoken, all the Yiddishists ended up marrying out, being killed in the Holocaust, becoming Zionists, or just dying in general... without enough of a legacy to keep it going.

It appeared to me that the next step for myself was to absorb a religious unit into my secular Yiddishist beleifs. The boost of religion would serve a preservative function to Yiddishism, keeping it fresh and edible from generation to generation.

I got through Rosh HaShanah okay, celebrating the new year in a Reform (my unlces) synagogue for the first time, then spending the second day in the Conservative synagogue by my college.

The next Saturday was Yom Kippur, and following my recent trend of not blindly doing religious stuff anymore, i read some more Talmud. I resolved not to wear shoes (as is instructed in the Talmud), and i followed all the other laws as set forth in the Talmud. It went pretty well.

Then the next day came...

Part of my daily routine involves shaving in the morning. Shaving smooth/with a razor is prohibited rather clearly in the Torah. Absolved of all my sins, I was faced with a dilemma, my first unnecessary violation of the Law. While i do plan on growing a beard eventually, i wasnt planing on starting now. I shaved, but i felt guilty. Then Shabbos came that next Friday night. I wasnt planning on attending services, but then i received a text message from a friend who, along with two others, needed a ride to synagogue. I had no reason to not drive them, so i did, but i didnt go to synagogue, and once again, i felt crappy. i felt crappy that Saturday too. However, observing the sabbath is a big deal, that, while possible, would be a huge commitment. On top of that there are 3 books of Talmud on the laws regarding the Sabbath, and i wasnt going to start doing something if i couldnt do it right...But i felt guilty none-the-less. Such guilt stemmed from feeling like a i wasnt being the best Jew i could be. Im not yet fluent in Yiddish and i dont know that much about my religion...

After a conversation with my sister, she helped me see that i was putting a lot of pressure on myself. She appluaded my ability to be constantly learning and searching, but she said i shouldnt make myself crazy. Thinking about this now, it really fits into my permenant r/evolution ideal of never settling. Never settling gets you respect i suppose, but it sure is emotionally exhausting, especially when its your identity that your not settling upon.

So what now...I'm not 100% sure, all i know is that im going to keep learning Yiddish, keep finding out stuff about my religion and culture, keep kosher, and keep growing my sidelocks (for freshness' sake)...

"דאָס לעבן פֿון אַ מענטש איז װי אַ טױטן טאַנץ"
(The life of a man is like a dance of the dead)